Funny IT Office

• The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

Express IT Office

• Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Cute one !

Man discovered COLORS and invented PAINT ; Woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP .
Man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION ; Woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP .
Man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD ; Woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET .
Man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE ; Woman discovered LOVE and invented LOVE TRIANGLES .
Man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY ; Woman discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING .
That's it!!!
Thereafter man has discovered and invented a lot of things... While women are still STUCK with shopping!!!

Little Bobby

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.

Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.
Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.
Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.
Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.
Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday.
Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
*************
Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby
**************
Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, So he tore up the letter and started over.
**************
Letter 2
Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like A red bike for my birthday. Thank you.
Your friend,
Bobby
**************
Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.
**************
Letter 3
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.
Bobby
**************
Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.
**************
Letter 4
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.
Please! Thank you,
Bobby
**************
Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.
Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church.
Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad. Just be home in time for dinner, Bobby's mother told him
. Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar.
He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary.
He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room.
He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God.
**************
Letter 5
God,
………..
………..
………..
………..
I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MOM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!!!!

Nice Chinese

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night
and
he saw Steven Spielberg.
As he was a great fan of his movies,
he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says,
"You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out ta here."
The astonished Chinese man replied,
"It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor,
it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says,
"You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies,
"Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

SmartChoice

Chor 1 ghar me chori karne gaya,
tijori par likha tha "TIJORI KO TODNE KI JARURAT NAHI,
452 No. LAGAO AUR SAMNE WALA LAAL BUTTON DABAO,
TIJORI KHUL JAYEGI"
Jaise hi button dabaya alarm baja aur police aayi.
Jate waqt chor seth se bola
"AAJ MERA INSANIYAT SE VISHWAS UTH GAYA "! . .

Just For IT

Once PVNR (PV Narasimha Rao), L.K.Advani and Laloo Prasad Yadav were
travelling in an autorickshaw. They met with an accident and all three of
them died.

Yama Raja was waiting for this moment at the doorstep of death.

He asks PVNR and Advani to go to HEAVEN.

But, for Laloo, Yama had already decided that he should be sent to HELL.
Laloo is not at all happy with this decision.

He asks Yama as to why this discrimination is being made. All the three of
them had served the public. Similarly, all took bribes, all misused public
positions, etc.

Then why the differential treatment?

He felt that there should be a formal test or an objective evaluation before
a decision is made; and should not be just based on opinion or pre-conceived
notions.



Yama agrees to this and asks all the three of them to appear for an English
test.

PVNR is asked to spell " INDIA " and he does it correctly.

Advani is asked to spell " ENGLAND " and he too passes.

It is Laloo's turn and he is asked to spell " CZECHOSLOVAKIA ".

Laloo protests that he doesn't know English.

He says this is not fair and that he was given a tough question and thus
forced to fail with false intent.



Yama then agrees to conduct a written test in Hindi (to give another chance
assuming that Laloo should at least feel that Hindi would provide an equal
platform for all three).

PVNR is asked to write "KUTTA BOLA BHOW BHOW". He writes it easily and
passes.

Advani is asked to write "BILLY BOLI MYAUN MYAUN". He too passes.

Laloo is asked to write "BANDAR BOLA GURRRRRR.... ."
Tough one. He fails again.



Laloo is extremely unhappy.

Having been a student of history (which the other two weren't),he now
requested for all the 3 to be subjected to a test in history

Yama says OK but this would be the last chance and that he would not take
any more tests.

PVNR is asked: "When did India get Independence ?". He replied "1947" and
passed.

Advani is asked "How many people died during the independence struggle?".

He gets nervous. Yama asked him to choose from 3 options: 100,000 or 200,000
or 300,000.
Advani catches it and says 200,000 and passes.

It's Laloo's turn now.
'


'
Yama asks him to give the Name and Address of each of the 200,000 who died
in the struggle.
Laloo accepts defeat and agrees to go to HELL.

Moral of the story: IF YOUR MANAGEMENT HAS DECIDED TO SCREW YOU, THERE IS NO
ESCAPE

NASA NASA

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they
quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To
combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to
develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater,
on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging
from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.

Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After
a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night,
and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his
faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you
see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies
Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a
minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions
of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I
observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is
approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I
suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I
can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and
insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he
says. "Someone has stolen our tent

State Highways employee

A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer.
He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field."
The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card?
I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."
So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence
and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets
and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!
The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"

Poems written by husband to wife

I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away. then
I wrote your name on my heart & i got Heart Attack.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
God saw me hungry, he created pizza .
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi .
He saw me in dark, he created light .
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Twinkle Twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
why doesn't it rain on you?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~
Roses are red, Violets are blue
monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
not in cage but laughing at you.

THATS TOO MUCH

A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman
sitting alone. After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask
her, "Er...

excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"

She responds in a loud voice:

"NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them. The young man is surprised,

shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.

After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes,

and says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm
studying how

people respond to embarrassing situations."

The young man responds loudly with,

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THREE THOUSAND RUPEES.

THATS TOO MUCH !"

Ek gadha

Ek gadha :- yaar mera malik mujhe bahut maarta hai.
Dusara gadha:- to tu bhag kyu nahi jata.
Pehla Gadha:- bhag to jata par yahan future bada bright hai ...
malik ki khoobsoorat beti jab shararat karti hai
to malik kahta hai, "teri shadi gadhe se kar dunga...!"
bas isi ummeed me baitha hoon.

Legal, but not logical

A fter having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

Coke Joke

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?" The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters... First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... Totally exhausted and panting. Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place" "That should have worked," said the friend. The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realise that Arabs Read from Right to Left..."

One Morning

One fine morning a man was leaving a cafe after his morning coffee, when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession.
A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the
first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of about 2000 men walking in a single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity.
He approached the man walking with the dog,
?I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb
you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line.
Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied,
"Well, that first coffin is for my wife?.
?What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her?.
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin??
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog attacked and killed her also".
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog??
The man calmly replied "Join the queue".

Husband DUCK

A Husband makes a Call to Hospital to enquire about his pregnant wife.
But accidentally the call went to a cricket stadium.
He asked what is the condition.
He died after what he heard.
Guess What would be the reply....
It is...
7 are already out.
3 More will be out hopefully by lunch.
and.................................
The first one was a DUCK.

World's smallest resignation letter!!

Dear Sir,
I Love Your Wife.
Thank You

Maths Teacher!!

Maths Teacher : If you hava 12 choclates and you give 5 to priya ,
3 to Anitha and
4 to kavitha
then what will u get????

Student : 3 New Girlfriends Mam!!!

Ultimate Truth!!

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.
The road to success…….. is always under construction.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.
Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.
Everyone has a scheme of getting rich….. which never works.
If at first you don't succeed…. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.
Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.
***** 42.7% of all statistics is made on the spot. *****
As soon as you mention something…… if it is good, it is taken…. If it is bad, it happens.
He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.
If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late…… the bus is still late.
Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.
When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.
If you have paper, you don't have a pen……. If you have a pen, you don't have paper…… if you have both, no one calls.
Especially for engg. Students----
If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.
You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.
All PMT buses are crowded.
Corollary----- PMT buses in opposite direction always go empty.
The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.
After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.
If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.
The last person to be fired or quit is responsible for all the errors until another person is fired or quits.
Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker

Round with a fly swatter.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies." He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, and 2 females." He replied.
Intrigued, she asked: "How can you tell which is which?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone!"

Robotrobot

One day Raju's dad bought a robot, The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.
Raju returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son why are you late from school?".
Raju answered, "Dad we had extra classes today".
Much to his astonishment the Robot jumped up and slapped Raju on his face.
His dad told him son that his robot is special in that he can detect a lie and will then slap the person who lied now come on tell me the truth, "Why are you late?"
"Dad I went for a movie", "Which movie?" "The Ten Commandments", Splatt Raju got a tight slap on the face from the robot.
"No dad honest I went for an adult movie."
“Shame on you son when I was your age I never used to do such shameful things."
Splatt, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.
Hearing all this, Raju's mother comes walking out of the kitchen saying, "After all he is your son, he will be like you!",
to which the robot steps up and gives a resounding slap on Raju's mothers face."

PhoneBill

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.
Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.
Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone
Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile
Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones.

Dad : Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son : Not much dad, just a radio with a sports car around it.

bhikari-sahab ek rupiya de do. Sahab-tumhe sharam nahi aati road par khade hokar bhikh mangte.
Bhikari-abe tere ek rupiye ke liye office kholu kya?

Whatever happens

"Whatever happens, happens for a reason ..........!! "
A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" the man asked. The wife replied "That was for the
piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket ".
The man said "When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on"
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the
head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
"Your horse called up" ..........
"Whatever happens, happens for a reason ..........!! "

90-year-old man

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better.
I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season.
One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun.
When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream.
He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Wanted a Leave

The Day When I Wanted a Leave.........
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her, "And where do you think you're going?"
(You're gonna love this.....)
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark."

Simplysuper

Boy: Chalo kisi viraan jagah chalte hain!
Girl: Tum aisivaisi harkat to nahi karoge?
Boy: Bilkul nahi!
Girl: To phir rehne do... Kya fayda.
******

Ravan was sent to court & was asked to keep a hand on Geeta.
He refused saying: Sita par hath rakh kar itni musibat aayi! Ab Geeta pe haath nahin rakhunga
******

Agar aap bus pe chade...
Ya phir bus aap pe chade...
Dono marthaba ticket aapka hi kat tha hai
******

A lady to another lady: Jab tera divorce huwa tha tab to ek hi baccha tha aur AB 3 kaise? She says: Who kabhi kabhi maafi mangne AA jate the...

******
Tumhari Girl friend ka sms mila hai,
Kahti hai koi patthar se na maare mere deewana ko, twenty first century hai bomb se uda do saale ko.
******

It takes thousand workers 2 build a castle,
Million soldiers 2 protect a country,
But just One woman 2 make a Happy Home!
Let's Thank... KAAMWALI
******

Jija: Sali ji, aapke yahan ki sabse mashhoor cheez kaunsi hai?
Sali: Jija ji, Jo mashhoor thi, usey to aap Le gaye!
******

An old rich man marries a young gal.
Interviewer asks the girl: Apne inmein shaadi ke liye kya dekha?
Girl: Ek to inki income aur doosre inke din kum.
******

Boy: Tum gaana bahut achcha gaate ho.
Girl: Nahin, mein to sirf bathroom singer hoon.
Boy: To bulaao na kabhi, mehfil jamaate hain.

Ladyparrot

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have
these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say
one thing. They keep saying "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to your
problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them
with my two male talking parrots to whom I have taught to pray and read the
bible.

My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible
phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house.

The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their
cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male
talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a
date?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your
Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered!!!!!!!"

Who is Smart!!! Student or Teacher????

ONE NIGHT 4 STUDENTS WERE PLAYING TILL LATE NIGHT AND DIDN'T STUDY FOR
THE TEST WHICH WAS SCHEDULED FOR THE NEXT DAY.

IN THE MORNING THEY THOUGHT OF A PLAN. THEY MADE THEMSELVES LOOK AS
DIRTY AND WEIRD AS THEY COULD WITH GREASE AND DIRT. THEY THEN WENT UP TO
THE DEAN AND SAID THAT THEY HAD GONE OUT TO A WEDDING LAST NIGHT AND ON
THEIR RETURN THE TYRE OF THEIR CAR BURST AND THEY HAD TO PUSH THE CAR
ALL THE WAY BACK AND THAT THEY WERE IN NO CONDITION TO APPEAR FOR THE
TEST.

SO THE DEAN SAID THEY CAN HAVE THE RETEST AFTER 3 DAYS.

THEY SAID THEY WILL BE READY BY THAT TIME .
ON THE THIRD DAY THEY APPEARED BEFORE THE DEAN.

THE DEAN SAID THAT THIS WAS A SPECIAL CONDITION TEST. ALL FOUR WERE
REQUIRED TO SIT IN SEPERATE CLASS ROOMS FOR THE TEST.

THEY ALL AGREED AS THEY HAD PREPARED WELL IN THE LAST THREE DAYS.
THE TEST CONSISTED OF 2 QUESTIONS WITH TOTAL OF 100 MARKS.
(SCROLL DOWN)
Q .1. YOUR NAME ............ ......... .......( 2 MARKS )
Q.2 . WHICH TYRE BURST ............ ....( 98 MARKS ).
a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right .....!!!

Go within

• Spiritual Growth Faith has to do with things that are not seen, and hope with things that are not in hand.

Fitness & First

• Veda...Everybody should work hard to achieve success, growth and prosperity.But, this can be possible only when our health is good.